Shortly after entering into a relationship with my now husband I met my bonus sons. Less than a year into our relationship we welcomed our first son, lost my mother in law, and started a custody case for his older boys. And quickly this haze of survival mode set in.
Fast forward 7 years into being a mom and I feel like the haze is slowly lifting. Go forward 9ish months later and the fog has lifted. The haze is still lingering around on certain things but for the most part I feel it’s safe to say. I have left SURVIVAL MODE.
Confused and conflicted, I say nothing to anyone cause I don’t have PTSD. How do you describe I just got lost and overwhelmed and only just now getting my shit together 8 years into being a mom? No one else seems to have this struggle. No one else is talking or has talked about this. It’s not depression, not PTSD, not anything like those things but everything like those things and more. I felt alone.
A few months ago, scrolling through Facebook I clicked on an article talking about how some ladies go into this survival mode after having kids. It goes on to literally describe feelings I couldn’t put words to until that day. Sadly, I can’t find the article and googling gets me no where. Up to this article, I felt alone.
Clearly it’s not something people are talking about. There are others like me. Just not enough of us talking bout this survival mode to let others know they aren’t alone.
I love my sons. They are breath to my lungs and make a world full of negative seem brighter with their existence, but I was lost. I was lost in a world of Pinterest moms, moms who washed and dried laundry in the same day, moms who packed their kids lunch and remembered to give it to them before they walked out the door, moms who had a house out of home and garden, and lots and lots of opinions of the kind of mom I SHOULD be.
In reality I was one doggy paddle away from sinking. I’m pretty sure one of my step sons just wore the same jeans all week. The laundry piled up quicker than the dishes. I just washed dishes two days ago and were out of dishes, how the…
My two youngest make me question why I didn’t get stock in diapers the moment I found out I was pregnant. I think I vacuumed but I’ll do it again. So mannnyyy toys-where did they all come from? I swear I asked for help, I think I asked for help……did I say it out loud or just think it loudly???
Slowly the fog lifted. The days stopped blending together. My house slowly started getting cleaner more frequently and lasting longer. Dishes and laundry are still seemingly never ending but I choose to avoid both of those things often. So it’s partially self inflicted.
I have no magic secret to how it happened. I just started noticing the days no longer blended and I can remember which day I’m on and that I took a shower.
My point in writing this very raw post, to share. So others like me who dived in fast and hard into parenting and just lost theirselves. Keep trudging thru the trenches. Keep going. You aren’t alone and the world will eventually make sense again. It’s okay if you didn’t get a picture of your baby every month date on the exact date of their birth. It’s okay if you’re hanging on by a thread-keep going!!!
No one said motherhood was easy, they just said it was worth it.
Keep mommyin my mommy friends!
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